DON’T MARRY FOR LOVE

I have performed hundreds of wedding ceremonies over the decades. In close to 95% of them, I took the couple through a fairly thorough pre-marital counseling process. As my experience grew, I could estimate pretty accurately after the first session if the couple would “succeed” in growing a healthy marriage.

Sadly, too many times I thought, “These two are a bad match”. It had nothing to do with their feelings for one another, but rather how well they “fit” together, as God’s plan is for the two to become one (much easier said than done).

This principle is established at the beginning of all things in Genesis 2: 18,

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.”

Dr. R.C. Sproul explains this beautifully: “The word ‘helper’ entails the man’s inadequacy, not her inferiority, for elsewhere it is used of God. The expression ‘fit for him’ assumes a complementary relationship; what he lacks she supplies and vice versa. Both share the image of God.” From the Reformation Study Bible

In other words, some people are a great match, and others simply aren’t, not because they don’t care for each other, but rather because their personalities, temperaments, strengths, and weaknesses don’t complete one another.

No, they don’t complete; rather they compete! Not good for a 40-50 year covenant of oneness. I always tell the lucky couple that if you’re getting married because you ‘fell in love’, the risk is huge because you’ll one day ‘fall out of love’, and that fall hurts.

I’m referring of course to couples that just don’t match up well.

Hey, I’m not the love Grinch here, but today’s concept of love is driven by passion and emotion – how great he/she makes me feel when we’re together. That’s nice but it’s not the “Agape” love Christ calls us to walk in – this love is sacrificial and the concern is how I can serve, care for, bless, and make my spouse successful in who he/she is created by God to be.

Notice the concern is not about my feelings, but rather my covenant commitment. Thus, we learn to love over time, and the feelings that grow will last forever because they’re in perfect harmony with the created order.

My wife and I are a great example (by God’s amazing grace, of course). 41 plus years later, our tastes are still different at times– I still can’t figure out why she doesn’t like rock n roll! But, our core values, our goals, and the way we “complete” each other, by investing our inherent strengths where the other is not strong, have brought us into a peaceful oneness, without uptight insecurity, mistrust, and emotions that rise and fall with the situation.

Do we have fun? Absolutely, thanks to my sense of humor of course (kidding). The ride of oneness is stress-free, and blessed by the Lord. We’re far from perfect, but God’s way sure works great! As different as she is from me, she is just right for me and has always made me successful. She’s a great example of the Lord’s created design.

So, I have told my children over the years to “Marry to Match”, then let the feelings grow. Sandra and I are friends, as well as in covenant oneness.

I now wrestle over performing more weddings, since so many folks “settle” because it feels good now. Remember, once married the best and worst in both rises to the surface. That foundation of warm emotions doesn’t bear the weight the challenge to oneness brings – because oneness is both an event and a process. And that process might take a while.

Friends, I hope this sheds some light and brings some encouragement because we need marriages that shine in a passion-driven and shallow culture. If you are considering marriage, please think about these words, and may God’s keen wisdom be yours.

May you all match well!